God Can Do More When You Feel Like You’re Less

It’s kind of ironic how I posted a quote about me not forgetting what God has done for me. So, by the time August 11th comes around I forgot. I forgot about how surely I would have died had I not made the decision to live.

(Left) Lee Thompson Young (Right) Robin Williams

(Left) Lee Thompson Young (Right) Robin Williams

As most of you may know one of the most well-known among comedians, Robin Williams, had departed from this world last Monday on August 11th.
The news was shocking, of course, but when I found out he committed suicide I was heartbroken. A month or two ago, I found out that the main character from The Famous Jet Jackson, Lee Thompson Young, had partaken in the same experience. When I found out about his death, my feelings were mutual.

It’s heartbreaking because I had went through the back and forth
of contemplating suicide for a couple of years.I was in a state of mind that I couldn’t get out of. The devil had my mind in a box that caused me to think that no one cared about me. I hated my life. What caused me to hate my life was the verbal abuse from my peers. Have you heard the saying ‘sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me?’ That’s a lie. I used to believe that until the sticks and stones that my peers threw at me were sinking into my mind every time they would point and laugh at my cerebral palsy. With every word or laugh was a breaking of soul that I couldn’t detach from. There words and laughs had already sunk in so deep in my mind that I couldn’t escape my wounds.

The wounds that I had caused me to put up a wall. This wall that I had put up caused me to become anti-social. I wouldn’t talk to others unless they talked to me. I didn’t know how to get out of my thoughts. I wasn’t even thinking of help. The help I had my mind fixed on was to take myself out of my problems was to take myself off of this Earth by committing suicide. I wouldn’t have gotten out of that state if it wasn’t for God.

If you just so happen to read this, know that your decision to read was not a mistake…you were meant to. Maybe you’re wanting to commit suicide, or maybe you just want some advice on how to stop someone from ending there life. I know a solution that helped me, and that solution can help you too JESUS.

The day I gave my life to God I knew I had made the right decision. I knew that I was loved and knew that he was always there before I ever entered this world. I wish I would had known that Jesus could do more than just die on a cross, but I didn’t. On August 11th of 2011 I actually found out that he could do more than just save, he could deliver.

August 11th was the day I forgot. I shocked at the fact that I did forget. This day is very important to me. This day is a very important part of my testimony because God can do more when you feel like you’re less.

All wrongdoing is sin, and there is sin that does not lead to death (1 john 5:17)-Me wanting to kill myself was me playing a apart in sin.

Here’s a solution to get rid of sin…

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life (John 3:16)-He had already took my suicide upon himself when he bled on the cross

For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord (Romans 6:23)-Because he had took my suicide he had to die

When he died he went to hell

The angel said to the women, “Do not be afraid, for I know that you are looking for Jesus, who was crucified. 6 He is not here; he has risen, just as he said. Come and see the place where he lay (Matthew 28:5-6)-For two days his body was in a tomb, but on the 3rd day…he rose 😀

All of this makes up The Gospel!

If you believe the information I just passed on to you please say this prayer:

Jesus, I believe you died and rose for my sins. I understand that you have forgiven me of my sins. I ask you to come into my life, and be my Lord. I declare that you are Lord over my life. I thank you for forgiving me of my sins and giving me a new life.

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— 9 not by works, so that no one can boast (Ephesians 2:8-9)

You can also check out my other topics here:

My thoughts on suicide

My testimony

National Dance Day

Yesterday was National Dace Day and I didn’t even know about it. So, I’ve been celebrating today.I want to give a shout & thank you to God for giving me this oppurtunity. Impact was the first time I danced out of state                                                                                                     1526418_669293633111835_1028974510_n

Chew On This: God’s Presence

Early this morning I had a dream of the goal that God and I are striving to reach at this point in my life. In the dream I was worshiping God for the thing that I wanted that now had came to pass. It was almost like I was thinking of what it would be like, but I was sleep. Before the thing had came to pass I was worshiping God because what he had spoken now has been made known.

As I was listening to my pastor on the radio, there was an old sermon he had preached last year asking the question, “Where Is My Alter?”

In this sermon two questions were brought up that I had to ask myself…

I know you want__, but is that all you want? 
can people look at my life and see God’s presence?

As I was thinking of those questions I started to cry because this speaks to my life now more than ever.

When the promise does finally come to pass am I going to give God glory, or am I just going to take the promise and run with it and never talk to God again?

Does my intimate time with God in private shine on the outside when others see me worship or dance and know for sure that I have spent time with God?

God’s presence is everything. As I’m writing this I”m reminded in the bible in the book of Exodus where Moses says, “If your presence does not go with us, do not send us up from here.” I believe Moses meant every word.

In God’s presence there is fullness of joy. It’s going to bring him joy when you get the promise, but is that all you want? That’s not all I want, and you shouldn’t want that either. You should want his presence to go with you, before you, and after you. You should have His presence all around you. In his presence are things happening that normally wouldn’t happen, in His presence is God’s direction and instruction, in His presence is the Lord himself who gave you the strength to persevere so that you can get the thing God has promised you. 

Remember, God’s presence is everything. If God’s not going, you shouldn’t want to go either because you won’t get Him.

Chew On This: God’s Love

I was just thinking last night on the blood that was shed for the sins of the whole world. It went something like this:

I see Jesus’ blood as love. So, Jesus shed his love for what we think I love so that we will no longer be in love wit Satan’s hatred, but be in love with The One who gave love.

The bible says that love covers a multitude of sins. But before it says that it says that we should love each other deeply. The two greatest commandments in the bible are:

Love God, and love people.

And I thought to myself, love covers so you won’t have room to hate.

God is love. So, God covers a multitude of sins. He’s not trying to conceal the sins, but expose it for what it truly is. It Satan’s hatred being displayed all over this world because of his hate for God. He will use the ones God had created to display his hate. Think about this, this is why God’s love needs to be displayed all the more. How can God’s love be displayed if his people don’t show it?

I Got A Testimony || It’s My Testimony

I believe that everyone has a story, and each one is different. But when the pages come together they serve a purpose. Who would’ve thought that I’d be at this point in my life that I am now, doing better than I ever imagined. It has been three years today since I’ve made this decision in my life. The important decision that I have made is accepting Jesus Christ to come in to my life and be my lord and savior. This is my story, and my testimony.

I was born with cerebral palsy. When I was elementary all the way up to high school, I had been verbally abused by my peers. The bullying of my peers led me to develop loneliness, low self-esteem, and suicidal thoughts.

These three cases were the feelings I never wanted people to know. The loneliness I felt was from feeling like no one cared for me; not even my family. Another reason for my loneliness was not only being bullied by my peers, but also knowing that I didn’t belong. I wasn’t doing the things that normal teens would. Instead of doing these things I would stay in my room all day reading, singing, and writing. Sometimes I would use the talents that god had given me on my hurt. From time to time my mama would make me go outside. There also was a time where my dad told me I was a hermit. I had friends, but every time I would be around them I felt like this is not the crowd of people I want to hang with. I hung out with my friends because all I wanted was to be and feel accepted. I wanted to fit in.

The other feeling, low self-esteem was another part of my adolescent life. This was a part of my life that had me looking in the mirror and not like what I saw. I didn’t like myself, or love myself for that matter.

I didn’t know who I was. There would be times where I would look at other girls in my school who had the boyfriends or the girls that all the guys couldn’t help but notice. I wanted to be that girl. My dad wasn’t really in my life to give me affirmation about myself. Not having my dad in my life lead me to wanting a boyfriend badly, but at the same time would wave off any guy who did have an attraction to me. For a little bit I had an attraction to females because I bought into the lie that probably won’t have a boyfriend. I would yield to what I wanted to be like, but at the same time not going for it.

Lastly, my suicidal thoughts were brought on me because of the bullying I endured. I was picked on so many times that I couldn’t take it anymore. My suicidal thoughts lasted for a few years. I never attempted it, but I always thought off it. Sometimes when I did think of it mt thoughts would go like this If I was to ever kill myself, what would it be with? How would I do it? Before I kill myself, should I leave a note? It got to the point where I would ask God why. Why me? Taking my own life was the only way I believed that I would find peace. It even got to a point where I even thought of cutting myself.  The day I wanted to cut myself was the day I told myself that I have a purpose, and I believed it.

Within the period of me going through my issues I never told anyone how I felt. I just kept it all in. I acted like everything was fine. During this period I was never genuinely happy. I was ashamed of myself, I would lie to myself about how I felt about myself, and in my suicidal state I thought it would never end. All of these issues were a problem, but thinking of suicide was the evidence I needed help. With everything I’ve been through I never saw a real way out, but God did. He saw that I was broken. He was the only one that could fix this broken soul of mine. I didn’t know it, but I was going to encounter God like never before.

I used to go to church with my family when I was younger but after a while we stopped going and I always wondered why. Then, a couple of years later, my siblings and I started going to this after-school program. It was inside a church and we would go there every week. The main things that I remember about being in that program are the annual trips to Columbia Park. We would also be involved with this other church that hosted summer experiences with us (I don’t really know what it was called), and that’s where I got introduced to who Jesus was.

2011 was the year that I got re-introduced to who Jesus was. This was the year I got plugged into a church and became a part of the youth ministry that was there. I would attend church and bible study but would still sit up there almost every week still living with the baggage that’s going on in my life.

In the month of April was the weekend of resurrection Sunday. I didn’t know it, but this was the weekend that would change the course of my life. That Friday I went to an event, put on by student venture (now known as cru). The event was called A Beat down Saved My Life. The title caught my interest so I came. The word went forth, people danced, and we played games. That night I was forced to go to this lock-in that was being held at the church I currently attended. This was also followed by the same activities as well. The next morning I did not know what to expect. At some point, after breakfast, we had to write down, on a playing card, what sins we have committed. When were done doing that, we had to go to the back of the sanctuary to nail our cards to a brown wooden cross. When we had done that we had to say, “it is finished.” While I was standing in line, in my pajamas, to do what I was instructed; a guy from the church goes in front of the sanctuary. He starts talking through is tears. Hearing him talk made me realize the significance of this cross that I was coming up to; that made me cry. I don’t know when, but I was up at the altar giving my life to Christ that very day.

A couple of months went by. I was still dealing with those issues that I didn’t know how to escape from. God was about to change all of that.

Every Thursday when we have Bible Study the teens have to go to the back. On that Thursday, of August 11th, we didn’t. Little did I know God had other plans. I remember coming from the back into the sanctuary. The lights were dim. I took my seat in the back corner. On the verge of tears after sitting there for some time, I was not okay. Because of that I don’t remember the sermon that was preached, but I do remember him telling the congregation to list on a sheet of paper what we could commit to the Lord. After that we had to put our papers on the altar. I looked around and everyone else had a pen and paper except me. Since I didn’t have those I went up to my youth Pastor at the time and asked her for what I needed. After she gave what I needed I went back to my seat. Now because I didn’t have something to write on, I took my sheet of paper, put it on the wall, and wrote down what I would commit. I believe by this time tears were making their way down my face. I could feel the intensity of hurt coming up to the surface as I listed my commitments to the Lord.

After I was done I folded my paper in twos and put it on the altar. I turned around; there was a women standing there, with a dress on, holding a big brown basket. In the basket were these little plastic cups. They were filled with juice. On top of it, where you open the container, was a cracker wrapped in plastic. I took one and went back to my seat. A little later I found out that the Lord’s Supper was about to be taken. I couldn’t have one because I wasn’t baptized yet. So the Lord’s Supper was taken without me.

Sometime later my youth pastor came to each and every teen that night to pray for them. When she came to me, like she did everyone else, she put her hand on my head. As she did this she cried. “Stand up,” she said. Next thing I know she telling me what God put in her spirit to tell me. She brought up my feelings of loneliness, low self-esteem, and suicidal thoughts. The feelings I’ve felt for years. Nobody knew but God. As she said these things I could feel the love of God pour out on me like never before. With every tear came something that I couldn’t him from him anymore. And he told me, through her, that I don’t have to hide anymore. And that was a great feeling. With this encounter, we stood in the corner for a few minutes. Once things were said and done, she told me, “lift your hands and tell God you love him.” So I did knowing that everything that I had felt was gone. My brother and sister were now on each side of me sharing this moment. I did not come out that church the same way I came in. That dead feeling that I had inside of me was now alive.

That Saturday of April 23rd and Thursday of August 11th are the days I’ll forever be grateful for. It’s all because of god and his son Jesus that I no longer have the issues that I use to have. God sent Jesus down to fulfill the ultimate sacrificial love that we don’t deserve. He sent him down here to pay for our sins. Jesus went through temptations and tests. Jesus even had haters. Not many people like him, but he was loved. He taught of the kingdom of heaven and what’s to come and what is coming. He healed the sick, raised the dead, and opened the eyes of the blind. He taught his disciples the true way so that they can share with other people. The night before the day of his death one of his disciple betrayed him and the other one disowned him. He went through all of that for us.

Three years later and I have not felt lonely, had no low self-esteem, and no suicidal thoughts it’s because of God and what his son Jesus did that I am where I am today. God saw that I was lonely and I found a friend in him. God thinks I’m beautiful. I was feeling dead, but today I’m alive. I’m no longer ashamed of myself, but I embrace me. I embrace who God has made me, and is continually making me into what he’s called me to be. Whatever gift he has given me I give it back to him whether it be private or publically. I went from being a shy girl to an expressive woman. I had trouble with my identity, but I know who I am. The more I know who God is the more God demonstrates who I can be. I don’t follow the opinion on men I follow the opinion of God. I don’t care what others think of me. I’m determined to be everything God has called me to be.

If God can bring me out of my pain, he can bring you out of yours. You don’t have to look toward people or material things to know your worth or who you are. Look toward Jesus he is the ultimate fulfiller of whatever you may be going through. Girl, you don’t have to look a certain way to impress a guy. Guy, you don’t have to follow the examples of other males that aren’t the example of what a man should be. I understand not every guy or girl is like that. All I’m saying is you don’t have to hide your originality so you can compromise into what this world says you have to be. This world didn’t make, God is what made you. You don’t have to follow the crowd, but stand out. God gave us each our own special abilities for his glory. God made us all unique. He made us for his glory, and no one else’s.

We may not be going through the same things, but we’ve all had or is having pain; or re-occuring pain. You’ll come out even stronger if you surrender it to God. Before I finish I would just like to share a few more things with you. Before I was born the doctor told my mother that I wasn’t going to live; that I was going to be a miscarriage. They gave my mama this cup and I never came out. The only time I did come out was on august 22, 1992. When I came out I wasn’t crying, my eyes were open, and I had four teeth in my mouth. Weird huh? With all the hurt that I’ve been through and they way I came out I knew I was destined for greatness. All because of god I have a purpose and so do you. Surrender to God and he will show you who you are, show you who he is, and show you what you are called to do. He loves you.

  • God created and knows you, and he wants you to know him too.
  • Because of our sin we are separated from Good. -lying, cheating, stealing, rape, sexual immorality, etc
  • God sent his son down to Earth to pay for our sin. Because of this is the only one that can forgive us from our sins. Through Jesus, you will have access to God. Jesus is the only way to God.
  • I know him as my personal Lord and Savior you can know him too. In order to get to know him you must personally accept Christ as your Lord and Savior. And when you receive Christ, by faith, you are now made new.

Repeat this prayer:

Jesus, I believe you died and rose for my sins. I understand that you have forgiven me of my sins. I ask you to come into my life, and be my Lord. I declare that you are Lord over my life. I thank you for forgiving me of my sins and giving me a new life.

Faithful, But Not Patient Realization

Ever since last month I’ve been dealing with a lot. My thoughts are over here and the next they’re over their. I couldn’t deal with it. Then God alwas restores me, but I go right back into being toubled.

I was going to ask God the obvious question

God, how much longer do I have to wait?

But then I had to ask myself

Am I being patient and faithful?

In that moment I realized I was being faithful, but not patient. I also realized that I need to take some time out and focus on Jesus. Seeing an e-mail this morning is the mind set, I believe, God wants me to have. It was  the 6 Prayers To Pray the Week After Easter. God is good isn’t he? This was not a coincidence 🙂 This week after Ressurection Sunday is what I really need to gather my thoughts.

Even when I’m not patient God is still patient with me; calling me back to himself when I get off track. I need to be re-filled with his love. I need to focus on Jesus’ death, burial, and resurrection. I need to put my focus on him, and when I do that I’ll be in perfect peace. And when I do seek Jesus I’ll be able to remain faithful, but also faithful.