I believe that everyone has a story, and each one is different. But when the pages come together they serve a purpose. Who would’ve thought that I’d be at this point in my life that I am now, doing better than I ever imagined. It has been three years today since I’ve made this decision in my life. The important decision that I have made is accepting Jesus Christ to come in to my life and be my lord and savior. This is my story, and my testimony.
I was born with cerebral palsy. When I was elementary all the way up to high school, I had been verbally abused by my peers. The bullying of my peers led me to develop loneliness, low self-esteem, and suicidal thoughts.
These three cases were the feelings I never wanted people to know. The loneliness I felt was from feeling like no one cared for me; not even my family. Another reason for my loneliness was not only being bullied by my peers, but also knowing that I didn’t belong. I wasn’t doing the things that normal teens would. Instead of doing these things I would stay in my room all day reading, singing, and writing. Sometimes I would use the talents that god had given me on my hurt. From time to time my mama would make me go outside. There also was a time where my dad told me I was a hermit. I had friends, but every time I would be around them I felt like this is not the crowd of people I want to hang with. I hung out with my friends because all I wanted was to be and feel accepted. I wanted to fit in.
The other feeling, low self-esteem was another part of my adolescent life. This was a part of my life that had me looking in the mirror and not like what I saw. I didn’t like myself, or love myself for that matter.
I didn’t know who I was. There would be times where I would look at other girls in my school who had the boyfriends or the girls that all the guys couldn’t help but notice. I wanted to be that girl. My dad wasn’t really in my life to give me affirmation about myself. Not having my dad in my life lead me to wanting a boyfriend badly, but at the same time would wave off any guy who did have an attraction to me. For a little bit I had an attraction to females because I bought into the lie that probably won’t have a boyfriend. I would yield to what I wanted to be like, but at the same time not going for it.
Lastly, my suicidal thoughts were brought on me because of the bullying I endured. I was picked on so many times that I couldn’t take it anymore. My suicidal thoughts lasted for a few years. I never attempted it, but I always thought off it. Sometimes when I did think of it mt thoughts would go like this If I was to ever kill myself, what would it be with? How would I do it? Before I kill myself, should I leave a note? It got to the point where I would ask God why. Why me? Taking my own life was the only way I believed that I would find peace. It even got to a point where I even thought of cutting myself. The day I wanted to cut myself was the day I told myself that I have a purpose, and I believed it.
Within the period of me going through my issues I never told anyone how I felt. I just kept it all in. I acted like everything was fine. During this period I was never genuinely happy. I was ashamed of myself, I would lie to myself about how I felt about myself, and in my suicidal state I thought it would never end. All of these issues were a problem, but thinking of suicide was the evidence I needed help. With everything I’ve been through I never saw a real way out, but God did. He saw that I was broken. He was the only one that could fix this broken soul of mine. I didn’t know it, but I was going to encounter God like never before.
I used to go to church with my family when I was younger but after a while we stopped going and I always wondered why. Then, a couple of years later, my siblings and I started going to this after-school program. It was inside a church and we would go there every week. The main things that I remember about being in that program are the annual trips to Columbia Park. We would also be involved with this other church that hosted summer experiences with us (I don’t really know what it was called), and that’s where I got introduced to who Jesus was.
2011 was the year that I got re-introduced to who Jesus was. This was the year I got plugged into a church and became a part of the youth ministry that was there. I would attend church and bible study but would still sit up there almost every week still living with the baggage that’s going on in my life.
In the month of April was the weekend of resurrection Sunday. I didn’t know it, but this was the weekend that would change the course of my life. That Friday I went to an event, put on by student venture (now known as cru). The event was called A Beat down Saved My Life. The title caught my interest so I came. The word went forth, people danced, and we played games. That night I was forced to go to this lock-in that was being held at the church I currently attended. This was also followed by the same activities as well. The next morning I did not know what to expect. At some point, after breakfast, we had to write down, on a playing card, what sins we have committed. When were done doing that, we had to go to the back of the sanctuary to nail our cards to a brown wooden cross. When we had done that we had to say, “it is finished.” While I was standing in line, in my pajamas, to do what I was instructed; a guy from the church goes in front of the sanctuary. He starts talking through is tears. Hearing him talk made me realize the significance of this cross that I was coming up to; that made me cry. I don’t know when, but I was up at the altar giving my life to Christ that very day.
A couple of months went by. I was still dealing with those issues that I didn’t know how to escape from. God was about to change all of that.
Every Thursday when we have Bible Study the teens have to go to the back. On that Thursday, of August 11th, we didn’t. Little did I know God had other plans. I remember coming from the back into the sanctuary. The lights were dim. I took my seat in the back corner. On the verge of tears after sitting there for some time, I was not okay. Because of that I don’t remember the sermon that was preached, but I do remember him telling the congregation to list on a sheet of paper what we could commit to the Lord. After that we had to put our papers on the altar. I looked around and everyone else had a pen and paper except me. Since I didn’t have those I went up to my youth Pastor at the time and asked her for what I needed. After she gave what I needed I went back to my seat. Now because I didn’t have something to write on, I took my sheet of paper, put it on the wall, and wrote down what I would commit. I believe by this time tears were making their way down my face. I could feel the intensity of hurt coming up to the surface as I listed my commitments to the Lord.
After I was done I folded my paper in twos and put it on the altar. I turned around; there was a women standing there, with a dress on, holding a big brown basket. In the basket were these little plastic cups. They were filled with juice. On top of it, where you open the container, was a cracker wrapped in plastic. I took one and went back to my seat. A little later I found out that the Lord’s Supper was about to be taken. I couldn’t have one because I wasn’t baptized yet. So the Lord’s Supper was taken without me.
Sometime later my youth pastor came to each and every teen that night to pray for them. When she came to me, like she did everyone else, she put her hand on my head. As she did this she cried. “Stand up,” she said. Next thing I know she telling me what God put in her spirit to tell me. She brought up my feelings of loneliness, low self-esteem, and suicidal thoughts. The feelings I’ve felt for years. Nobody knew but God. As she said these things I could feel the love of God pour out on me like never before. With every tear came something that I couldn’t him from him anymore. And he told me, through her, that I don’t have to hide anymore. And that was a great feeling. With this encounter, we stood in the corner for a few minutes. Once things were said and done, she told me, “lift your hands and tell God you love him.” So I did knowing that everything that I had felt was gone. My brother and sister were now on each side of me sharing this moment. I did not come out that church the same way I came in. That dead feeling that I had inside of me was now alive.
That Saturday of April 23rd and Thursday of August 11th are the days I’ll forever be grateful for. It’s all because of god and his son Jesus that I no longer have the issues that I use to have. God sent Jesus down to fulfill the ultimate sacrificial love that we don’t deserve. He sent him down here to pay for our sins. Jesus went through temptations and tests. Jesus even had haters. Not many people like him, but he was loved. He taught of the kingdom of heaven and what’s to come and what is coming. He healed the sick, raised the dead, and opened the eyes of the blind. He taught his disciples the true way so that they can share with other people. The night before the day of his death one of his disciple betrayed him and the other one disowned him. He went through all of that for us.
Three years later and I have not felt lonely, had no low self-esteem, and no suicidal thoughts it’s because of God and what his son Jesus did that I am where I am today. God saw that I was lonely and I found a friend in him. God thinks I’m beautiful. I was feeling dead, but today I’m alive. I’m no longer ashamed of myself, but I embrace me. I embrace who God has made me, and is continually making me into what he’s called me to be. Whatever gift he has given me I give it back to him whether it be private or publically. I went from being a shy girl to an expressive woman. I had trouble with my identity, but I know who I am. The more I know who God is the more God demonstrates who I can be. I don’t follow the opinion on men I follow the opinion of God. I don’t care what others think of me. I’m determined to be everything God has called me to be.
If God can bring me out of my pain, he can bring you out of yours. You don’t have to look toward people or material things to know your worth or who you are. Look toward Jesus he is the ultimate fulfiller of whatever you may be going through. Girl, you don’t have to look a certain way to impress a guy. Guy, you don’t have to follow the examples of other males that aren’t the example of what a man should be. I understand not every guy or girl is like that. All I’m saying is you don’t have to hide your originality so you can compromise into what this world says you have to be. This world didn’t make, God is what made you. You don’t have to follow the crowd, but stand out. God gave us each our own special abilities for his glory. God made us all unique. He made us for his glory, and no one else’s.
We may not be going through the same things, but we’ve all had or is having pain; or re-occuring pain. You’ll come out even stronger if you surrender it to God. Before I finish I would just like to share a few more things with you. Before I was born the doctor told my mother that I wasn’t going to live; that I was going to be a miscarriage. They gave my mama this cup and I never came out. The only time I did come out was on august 22, 1992. When I came out I wasn’t crying, my eyes were open, and I had four teeth in my mouth. Weird huh? With all the hurt that I’ve been through and they way I came out I knew I was destined for greatness. All because of god I have a purpose and so do you. Surrender to God and he will show you who you are, show you who he is, and show you what you are called to do. He loves you.
- God created and knows you, and he wants you to know him too.
- Because of our sin we are separated from Good. -lying, cheating, stealing, rape, sexual immorality, etc
- God sent his son down to Earth to pay for our sin. Because of this is the only one that can forgive us from our sins. Through Jesus, you will have access to God. Jesus is the only way to God.
- I know him as my personal Lord and Savior you can know him too. In order to get to know him you must personally accept Christ as your Lord and Savior. And when you receive Christ, by faith, you are now made new.
Repeat this prayer:
Jesus, I believe you died and rose for my sins. I understand that you have forgiven me of my sins. I ask you to come into my life, and be my Lord. I declare that you are Lord over my life. I thank you for forgiving me of my sins and giving me a new life.